Some nights

There are just some nights where you stay up, unable to fall asleep, and at the same time not wanting to sleep. I suppose that this is another one of those nights, where the thoughts just keep running through my head. It's a rather odd feeling really, when lying down on my bed, I desire so much to just fall asleep yet I don't want to, knowing that if I fall asleep, the thoughts that are haunting my mind might just disappear upon waking the next morning. In a way I'll be none the worse if that happens, but I just can't put it beyond myself to attempt to put my mind to rest and just fall asleep. In a way it does feel like a kind of self-inflicted torture, masochism if you must.

It has always been a desire for me to be able to openly express these thoughts running through my mind, but often times it has been way too personal to express on a blog just like that, or to another person for that matter. I still feel wary of trusting people, to tell the truth. (But the irony is that I trust people way too easily. Paradoxical, no? Well it makes sense in my mind, if that's any consolation.) I worry about revealing too much about myself to another person; I worry that one day people may discover how shallow and fickle I really am, if they haven't already realised so. But inside, I just really feel like telling everyone how exactly I feel. A lot of my blog posts have started off with that intention in mind, but perhaps all of the time, I end up saying that some thoughts are way too personal to share.

It's hard to write when one has no idea where he should begin. And the thoughts are starting to fade fast. Should I just let these thoughts go, and attempt to go to sleep, now that part of my mind has been sort of put to rest, or should I forge on with this blog post, retaining these thoughts for longer, and perhaps not being able to sleep? Sleep is always a welcome choice I suppose. And maybe what is haunting my mind at the moment will disappear in the morning and I'll once again be a happy person.

Come to think about it, I haven't felt this down in a while. I've been too busy to be depressed. Maybe busy isn't such a good word, I think distracted would be a better one. In fact, I get the impression that I've been way too distracted to feel any proper form of emotion; depression or love. I've been going through a narrower emotion range when studying there in the states, thinking about it. Well to put this into perspective, here's a graph:

You see, what I have over here is an emotion-time graph, the red line being the emotion level during studies, which is, for this case, a randomly generated line for the purpose of this demonstration. We have an arbitrary value of "a", which denotes a point in the positive emotion, and "-a", which denotes a point in the negative emotion. Above the point "a", one is able to feel love, and below the point "-a", the depressive emotion can be felt. What my studies has done is essentially introduce a limiting emotion range of "-a" to "a", meaning that i can still feel positive emotion, as well as negative ones, such as happiness and sadness, but they are of not that great a magnitude. In other words, my studies, which are a major distraction to me, is the limiting variable. Once you take away the limiting factor, you can get this:

Now we observe the blue line in comparison the the red line. We can see that the blue line is allowed to go past the values of "a" and "-a". The blue lines show what happen if the limiting factor is taken away. Which means that I can once again feel love, as well as depression. This means I have a wider range of emotions available to me. My emotions may also be capable of doing this: (observe the green line this time.)

Infinite happiness! (Infinite depression could be possible as well, but lets not talk about it.)

Ok fine, there are probably other limiting factors, but I'm just simplifying things and assuming that the only limiting factor I have here is distraction because of my studies.

Or was I?

I can't remember what I wanted to say at the beginning actually. I suppose it's better that way.

Bottom-line is, infinite happiness is obtainable. (and I've been reading way too much xkcd for my own good)

Toodles!